she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
