My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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