True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
