I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
When did we convert life to cartoon?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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