my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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