I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
