you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
