I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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