My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
