you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
