She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
time to smoke my breakfast
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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