boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
