We're facebook friends in real life
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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