he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
