Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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