don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
