that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
