o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
