The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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