No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Also, beer. Big fan.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
