SEEEEXXX PLEASE
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
