What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
