mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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