I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my being single is dangerous.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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