I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Randomize
