Midget sex pt 2 tonight
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
