I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
