Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It's official drugs can't kill me
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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