Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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