I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
