One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
