Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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