They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
