The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
