I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
