Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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