we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
