The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
