i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
