I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
