mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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