My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
