Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize