So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
