My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
