He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize
