someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize