i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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