If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
