the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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