I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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