Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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