I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
