Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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