He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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