In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
