it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
