How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
