8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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