I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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