Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize