woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
