i love accidental penises.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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