Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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