Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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