On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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