Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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