Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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