we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
